I’m stuck in a circle, unable to change directions
Is it comfort that settles me in? Or fear that pulls me back?
I know the love I feel is true, but I also know the love I feel is limited
We’re never going to go anywhere, we’ll never want the same things
We said we’ll stay this way until we find another, until someone else comes along
But here we are, years later, still together with no effort to find anyone else
So why stay?
Because I love you. Because you love me
Because it’s hard to find another that will accept me the way that you do
Because it’s hard to start over again and love someone new
But why stay?
I still want more than staying in your room
Still want more than getting food along the way
And yet, years later, nothing’s changed;
You still apologize, yet make no effort
You still say you’re trying, yet this relationship is unsatisfying
Never fulfilling, never enough
Never any more than a chasing crush
Because I’m still waiting, still hoping
That you’ll change your mind and want to start a family
That you’ll change your mind and want to marry me…

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I am, I will be

I have become who I’ve always wanted to be
And yet I still have a long way to go

Others see me as reliable, dependable, compassionate
I see myself as finicky, unambitious, careless

I strive to be benevolent
And yet, I struggle to follow through

I’ve set goals for the distant future
Though I fear I will never reach them

I am strong, I persevere
An idiot I am for the things I do
But I get back up and learn again and again

I am kind, I reach out
Sympathy; I feel too much of
But I give and I give until I run out

A young woman, still learning her ways
I walk on a path that only I can choose

I aspire to change the hearts of others
So that I’ll be remembered forever

Ambivalence

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The one thing that always, without fail, become a contradictory moment for me would be… Pregnancy scare.

It hasn’t happened often, but when it does, I always get mixed feelings. I’m scared that if I am pregnant, I wouldn’t know what to do; I’m not ready for a child, my partner isn’t ready for a child, much less may or may not even want the child. I’m excited that if I am pregnant, I would love him/her with all my heart; Even if the father decides he doesn’t want to be a part of our lives, I’d give my child twice my best to love and care for him/her.

So what happens today? Well, I’m turning the big 21 in a couple of days! That means drinking and having fun with friends and family. Yet, I am 12 days late for the ever so lovely period. Although I was quite certain that I am not pregnant, with the drinking I’m planning on doing, it’s better safe than sorry. So, off to Cubs, get a test, pee on a stick and wait…

“I want a kid. I’m not ready. I’m excited, is it growing? I’m scared, what am I going to do? How will he react? He doesn’t want a child. I’ll love my baby no matter what…”

*one single line*

“Oh… No worries then.” *Disappointment* “I should be glad. I’m still too young anyways.”

And there I sit for a moment, staring at the stick and wondering if that second line is just late, thinking that it’ll show up.
Then a couple minutes pass, I take a deep breath, and feel relief.

This Is The Last TIme I Get High

A Buick in the Land of Lexus

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I snapped a picture of my surroundings and sent it to him, so somebody would know where I was.

“Pretty,” he said. “Where is that?”

“Downtown Newark.”

Downtown Newark, New Jersey is anything but pretty, but nighttime hides a multitude of sins.

“Are you going to score?”

“Yes” I  texted.

“Don’t be a dumbass” he responded.

“If you don’t hear from me in an hour-there’s a problem.”

An hour later, I was laying in front of a magical Christmas fireplace with the whole family I never had.

The most magnificent church bells rang in my soul.

My brain was massaged by Kafka and Burroughs,

as I bathed in the warm golden sunshine of a perfect life.

I squinted at my cell phone at 7:45 the next morning. My cell phone alarm had been beeping for 45 minutes.

7:45? Fuck. I usually am up at 6:30. Get my kid up at 7.

My heart…

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“Love is patient, love is kind… It is not self-seeking.”

Reading this over and over again, I realized that’s what I do. I seek love for myself. Even when I have it, I seek more: I wish this happened, I wish that happened… But that’s not love, that’s selfishness.
I realized that I needed to change. I’ve always talked about loving conditionally, but in order to do so, I need to learn not to expect anything in return.

“It is NOT self-seeking.”

I’m not sure how anyone does it. It’s only humane to want to be loved. So how does one love and not get tired of being hurt? I want to, and I will, learn how to love without self-seeking. That’s not to say I’m going to sacrifice my own happiness though. I worked really hard to be where I’m at now and I’m not going to throw it all away. But, I will continue to work on bettering myself and in the process of doing so, I’m sure that I’ll eventually be happier as well.
So, with a new way to look at things, I’ll learn how to really love unconditionally. I’ll learn to be patient and kind. I’ll learn to not be seeking for my own selfish wants. I’ll learn because no matter what, “Love never fails.”

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Xoxo&Always,
~Melanie

It started so brightly, so beautiful and full of hope. Now, I can’t help but wonder if it was all a hoax.
The beginning is always a blur, blinded to the innocence and fun and possibility of love. But, somewhere along the line of you and I, the truth came out and everything seemed like a lie.
But you tell me you love me, so truly and deeply. That it was happiness for you while I was confused.
So many mixed signals, and I know I think too much, but I can’t help but wonder…
What happened to the beginning?
You always held me close. You always looked at me. And when you did, I always knew of your feelings for me. I felt the love and happiness and wonder when you looked into my eyes.
You used to hold my hands and take me out, used to claim me and be proud.
Yet, lately, I feel as though it’s all gone. You say you love me, but nothing’s changed.
You haven’t made an effort, but you keep apologizing. What is there to forgive if you aren’t trying anymore?
I want more, more than just being in your room. I want more, more than just picking up food on the way. I want more, more than just the short phone calls each day…
I’m not asking for forever or for your hand in marriage. But, I’m asking for the beginning. For the love and joy you’ve once shown me.

Xoxo&Always,
~Melanie

The World is Against Me

Not really, but lately, I’ve been feeling like my work place has been though. It’s been so difficult lately that yesterday I actually locked myself in the office and cried a bit. Pathetic? Maybe, but it was definitely needed and they say it’s okay to let it out every now and then. The more difficult part of it all is that it’s all out of my control: Too many catering orders, understaffed, employee quitting and leaving during peak hours (with no explanation!), and much more.
For the past week, I kept thinking about how it always happens to me and no one understands how I feel or what I’m going through, which is ridiculous! Things happen and they’re out of your control, but it’s up to you on how you handle these obstacles. I always knew this, but I suppose I didn’t fully comprehend it until this morning. I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to lay in bed all morning. As I got ready for the day, I decided to stay positive and smile. That’s all I kept thinking about, “Smile, smile, smile.” I can’t always let the negatives bring me down. I don’t know when I stopped, but I always tried to look on the positive side of things. Now it’s time to start doing that once more 🙂
” Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. TRUST. HOPE. LOVE. WISH. BELIEVE. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go.”
~Mandy Hale

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Selfie today ❤

Xoxo&Always,
~Melanie

This Year Will Be Different

I look back at some of my writings and some of them are very… Stupid, I suppose is a good word. Some are stupid with horrible spelling and terrible grammar. Yet, there were many where I couldn’t believe I once were able to write like that.
I look back at my poems and they were raw, beautiful, dark… And I’m just thinking, “Why can’t I do that anymore?” I used to be so good at writing and now I feel like I need to go back to school just to learn the basics again. I was a better poetry writer at thirteen than at twenty. Just knowing that saddens me. I suppose, the only option is for me to try again 🙂 Try harder, keep writing, stay focus.
Every year, I think about how dumb it is to have a New Year’s Resolution, because if you really wanted to make change in the first place, you wouldn’t wait all year to finally do it! But I guess this year, since it’s still January and all, my New Year’s Resolution will be to persevere in my writing and improve my current writing skills.
I hope and pray that by the end of the year, I’m able to accomplish this.

Xoxo&Always,
~Melanie

Deep Down I Know This’ll Never Work

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So I went to a fortune teller and she did a tarot card reading for me. I originally went because my sister was feeling in the dumps and we wanted to go out and just have fun. As I sat down with the fortune teller, let’s call her Linda, she told me to think really hard about what it is I wanted to know. Of course, being young and a romantic, I wanted to know about my love life and how it’ll all work out, etc, etc.

Linda laid down the cards from left to right (from her point of view) and the cards were so pretty at first, then it got darker, and then it just ended with a bit of both. She told me, “Your relationship started out so wonderfully at first. There was so much light and happiness… Then as time went by, someone got hurt and there was doubt and lack of trust.” Isn’t that how it always work? It was obviously vague and I feel like this is true about every relationship. Here I am thinking, “Of course… What else is new?” Then she said, “You don’t really love this guy.” And BAM! I looked at her with a confused face, like.. “Wtf, you talkin’ bout?” And she said, “You love him, but you’re not in love with him… You’re happy with him now, but he can’t provide what you really want. One day, a man will come and sweep you off your feet, but this isn’t him.”

Yes. One day, I want to get married and have kids, and I know the man I’m with now, does not want that. Yes. I believe one day that another man may sweep me off my feet and ask me to be his wife. Yes. I know we won’t last forever and we won’t have that “happily ever after.” But no, I do love him. I love him with all my heart and I’m so much in love with him. We want different things and we are totally different people and in the end, our relationship will come to a close… Deep down inside I know it’ll never work out, but I keep telling myself that I’m still young and right now, I only want to be happy. He makes me so happy and even though we won’t have that happily ever after together, I know I’ll look back on these memories and smile with no regrets.