*sigh* On this sunny saturday, there was absolutely nothing to do. It’s beautiful outside and if Connor was online, i know he would tell me to go outside and enjoy nature for a while. He would tell me to do something about my boredom instead of just complaining about it.
i got online around 9 this morning. i did all of my normal things, got on yahoo, youtube, hotmail and myspace. after that, i checked my twitter and just messed around. i took random quizzes, liked some of the answers, didn’t like some of the others. then i just started posting bullitens on myspace. lol, coiencidently enough, i mentioned Connor in every one of them .
i mentioned in one of them that he would be the first one to jump in the water to save me if i was drowning, even though he doesn’t really like swimming all that much. i also mentioned on how he would scold me for staying up til 1am this morning. he would tell me to sleep earlier, he would tell me that it’s too late for me to be up. he would extremely upset but in the end he would say that the choice was mine, purposely knowing it’ll guilt me. *chuckles*
then for some reason, i went onto his myspace page… oh that’s right, on one of the bulletins i was doing, it asked me would my number one (Connor) reply to this? i put no, cuz he doesn’t do bulletins much anyways., but i do remember he did one or two before a long time ago… so i went to Connor’s page and there it was. His bulletin/blog that he kept.
August 31st, 2008. Sunday. i read through his blog and it just made me so sad… my heart just started hurting so horribly bad. As if it was being pressed against me, making it harder for me to breathe. It was those stabs that i felt before, this time it was just pressing against me, as if slowly torturing my heart. At first it was like a sharp pain, but then it spread and thinned out. Anyways, i got to parts on his blog that made me remember how it was like…
If you could see one person right now, who would it be?
What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
–Thinking of my Girlfriend.
Next vacation you’re going on?
–Minnesota I hope.
What’s something you really want right now, be honest?
What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
–I love you.
Did the last person you kissed make you happy?
–Oh yes, she is my world and she knows it’s true.
Oh, the last one.. The last one made me cry. That was when the pain was just too much for me. The tears just started falling and everytime i wiped away a tear, 2 more would come and before i knew it, my hands were wet and i was sobbing right here on this couch full of memories of him too. After a couple of minutes, my sobs soften and "the wedding song" by kenny g came on. i played it several times before i was able to breathe normally again and soon after my tears stopped. The pain is still here tho, it won’t go away after just 45 minutes.
Let’s see.. if Connor was here, he would yell at me, saying something like, "why did you read it if you knew it was just going to upset you?" or "why do you things like that? going back to the past, it was your fault that you brought it up." but then again, Connor would hold me close, stroke my hair, and apologize for hurting me so much.. *tears* i think i might cry again lol. i really miss him… but i’m not the one who can make him happy anymore. i wonder if i’m still his world.. maybe part of it, but not all of it anymore. His next trip–to England. where his current girlfriend is… I just wish him happiness and if it’s with her then so be it.
i remember when he asked me out. August 22nd, 2008. It was on a Friday and it was sunny and a beautiful day outside. i was laying on my bed, texting him and he just asked me, "so does this mean we’re dating now?" lol. i go, "well, idk, you haven’t asked me to be your girlfriend yet." and he held me close, looked my in my eyes and said in the softest, sweetest, most capturing voice ever, "Melanie Leslie Vajmee Lor, will you be my girlfriend?"… it was wonderful.. It was a happiness that i never felt before. lol.. I had never been so excited, so happy about being anyone else’s girlfriend before and i knew.. He was the one… you know that feeling that you get, the one that tells you, the one that says, "i’ve been waiting for you."
*chuckles and wipes away my tears* In October of 2008, we were on bebo together and there was this new thing.. It let two people get together and it would "make" babies/ kids for you two. Seeing how they would turn out, and you would get to take care of the children together–feed them, bathe them, clothe them and everything. I remember Connor and i made one together, before we knew it, we had 6 together. it was wonderful though, my favorite was Serenity. She had his eyes, my hair, and freckles. I remember i was in school and i was telling Connor all of my favorite names for children. He named one Fantasia and i was like, "omg i love that name!" lol.. he said, "yeah, i know. you mentioned it a couple of days ago.." i love how he remembered that.. *sigh* They’re no longer around though.
Then last but not least.. My favorite memory of Connor.. He had this dream one day.. A wonderful sweet dream where he and i were just sitting under a beautiful yellow sakura tree. Sakuras are my favorite flowers. So we were just sitting there together, holding each other close as the wind gently blew the blossoms past us. It was just us two in that world, together. Everything was so peaceful and we were so happy.. we were.. Now i just feel like everything’s broken. Sometimes i feel like i’m sitting there alone now. Sometimes i feel like the flowers are slowly dying, the tree’s slowly losing the blossoms, almost empty now. And even though it’s dying, i’m still sitting there. I dont care if i’m alone at that place, because i know it’s the place i would cherish the most. My lovely fantasy place that will never be replaced by anyone or anything no matter what is said, no matter what happens. I love you, Connor.