i don’t think i can do this anymore. ugh.. it’s all getting to be too much. it’s hurting my head, it’s hurting my heart. lmao
you’d think i’d be over it by now, right? totally wrong…
 
i hate how you talk to me now. you’re right, i sometimes feel like you don’t care anymore.. by sometimes, i mean most
times. i mean, the only times when you show me you still do care are when you know you’ve upset me so much… omg,
nowadays, you don’t even know when you’ve hurt me!! just like a day or 2 ago.. i can’t believe it, i actually fucking cried.
i didn’t want to, i tried to wipe them away but no, they came so unexpectedly cuz that’s how much you’ve hurt me.
i feel so damn lame right now.. *sight*!!! ugh…
 
i hate girls like this, just whining and crying.. omg, shuddup!!!
yeah.. i know i should stop then. i’m only taking it as far as i am cuz i am. if i didn’t make such a big deal out of it, then
maybe i wouldn’t hurt so much. haha, that’s such a lie.. i tried not making a big deal of it, duh, you were there, right?
i really tried to pretend^^ i hope it workd, right? if it did, that’s how far we’ve grown apart.. i hate that.
actually knowing we’ve grown apart. what the fuck happened to our closeness? what the hell happened to us being
two peas in a freakin pod? hm? you say you still know me, tell me–how do i feel about you? i mean, how the hell
do i really fucking feel?
 
don’t cry, mel.. it’s not worth it anymore cuz there’s nothing to cry over.. shuddup. lol.
what would you do if i go crazy? i asked you that before, and you said that you’d still be here for me no matter what.
so what, you’d be here for me when i go crazy, but not when i’m crying.. iono, i lied. i’m assuming.. *sigh* sorry.
but it feels like i don’t matter anymore!! it feels like you don’t fucking care if i cry! i don’t even know for sure anymore
if you’d even feel a thing if i killed myself!!… which i wouldn’t do of course cuz i’m not stupid.. just an example i guess. or
maybe how i really feel.. i cant decide right now.  its just.. idk if you really want to like.. be with me. i mean, i know you don’t
want to BE with me, you made that clear.. ow, that hurted.. haha… but i meant… you know what i mean.. i don’t know if you
want to talk to me anymore. you barely trust me, you barely talk to me, you barely tell me anything anymore.
the time you dind’t have your net and missed Rose was how i missed you. the time when she was online all day but dind’t talk
to you or reply is how i’ve been feeling lately. you think your patient is running out? where’s mine?
 
she’s all you live for? you’re mine. ugh!!! i sound so fuckin lame right now but i’m still typing cuz i WANT you to see this.
dunno if you’ll read it, but maybe you will. i know i’m so stupid, i know i’m begging, but that’s not new.. i’m lame. i’m stupid,
i’m just a fuckin whining bratty bitch but i dont care. i want to type this out. and if not for you, then for me cuz if this is how i really
feel, i guess i’m finding out for the first time… i’m sick of all this. of telling myself over and over every night and every day, "of course
he cares. of course he loves me.. i think. it doesn’t matter if he’s upset. it doesn’t matter how he’s acting or what he said. and it dones’t
matter if he never said it, he still does".. i’m sick of saying that when really, i don’t know anymore! goddammit… i’m crying now.
 
how can one person change so much? how can one person make me feel this much?? it sucks! it’s so fucking stupid! i hate how
much i can’t stop thinking about you! i hate it that when i get happy, i get all depressed. i hate how you can’t cheer me up anymore like
you use to and i hate how you don’t fucking hold me anymore!!!!! you don’t hug me, don’t hold me, don’t fucking show me you
care!!! reallhy????? hyou don’t want me anymore? just fucking say so! i’ll go away!! rose will get het wish, i’ll leave you alone! i’ll stop
bothiering you and her and let you live hapily ever after!!!! …………………….i’m so sorry………………………………
 
you know when you say you love me?
it just seem so empty now… but Sweetums..
 
I love you. Always…
 
~Melanie Leslie Vajmee Lor
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