It’s okay, I know how you feel… I mean, you’re not the only one. This happened to me too, granted, I was only 15.
My parents were together for just about 20 years. It’s been so long. But over the summer of 2009, my mom finally decides that she wants OUT of their relationship. It was painful for me. Sure, now I say, "oh it doesn’t bother me, it was bound to happen sooner or later." and yeah, I believed that. I knew that was exactly what was going to happen. I knew they were getting a divorce, or were going to get one I should say. It’s just how I was observing their marriage. One of those gut feelings that you have, you know? For the first few days, I knew what was happening while everything was falling apart. I didn’t mind it; I knew I had to be strong for my sisters. For my mom but most especially for my dad.. GOD! It was torture. My sisters cried, my dad cried, and my mom cried. Everyone cried but me. I couldn’t cry, no way. I had to be the rock, the shoulder, the person who everyone turned to. And as they cried, I was taking all the blame for my mom and dad’s mistakes. My grandma (mom’s side) was yelling at me for having such a disrespectful dad and that it was my fault they separated. My aunt (dad’s side) was yelling at me for being irresponsible and not keeping the family in order. I know it wasn’t my fault and I knew it then, but when she said I didn’t love my dad–because I wouldn’t let him know where my mom was (she didn’t want me to tell him), I just lost it.
We were packing clothes to go back to grandma’s house for the second week now. I couldn’t stand it!! I told her to drop me off at my friend’s house and when I couldn’t stay over I had to call my old friend’s mom to pick me up… it was embarrassing but I couldn’t bare another day at my grandmother’s house. My old friend’s mom, she was like a second mom to me. I love her so much. When she picked me up, she brought me into her home and held me, asked me what was wrong. I cried for the first time in her arms… since that day, I never cried over my parent’s divorce again.
Instead I just became a mother to my sisters. So many times I felt like no one in my family loves me. My mom didn’t respect me, trust me, or even treat me well and my sisters were irresponsible, ungrateful, and cruel… I wanted to give up so bad. But I love them. God tell me why but I love my sisters and my mom and my dad. I even love my grandma and my aunt. Yes– deep, deep inside they love me too, but how they treated me and still treat me, I will never forget.
So it’s okay. I know how you feel. Whether you lost someone or whether you feel out of place. Whether your parents divorced or if you feel like no one loves you or respects you–trust me, I understand. I’ll be here for you when no one else is. I’ll hold you close and never let go. I’ll tuck you in at night and sleep right next to you. I’ll listen to you while you talk and I’ll help you with anything you need. I’ll respect you and your boundaries. I’ll trust you when everything goes wrong. I’ll be there for you because no one was there for me.