i was listening to random Hmong songs on youtube and this song "Ros Los" by Voltage came on . ..  it reminded me of my daddy
cuz he use to put this song on all the time in the car when i was younger. i remember this song being played on many days whenever we would be driving to a different state. it’s kinda like saying goodbye to where we use to live and now that i think about it, it’s kinda like saying goodbye to my dad. . .
i mean, sure he wasn’t the greatest dad or even a good dad but he wasn’t the worst and he at least tried sometimes. .  that’s what counts because then at least i have some good memories. . . i remember one time, when i was either 13 or 14, my daddy took me out to a restuarant, just me and him. he was crying because he looked at me and said, "You’re getting so big. . . soon you’ll be going off to college. . . " and that was one time where i remember he and i actually had a moment. I remember when he took the family hiking. .  haha. my dad LOVED to hike. he was a nature man. he was always like a monkey– that’s what we would call him because he loved to climb trees. lol . . . .. . he taught me how to love art. he was my inspiration in painting and drawing and although i did anime drawings of ppl and he did realistic humans, we both shared the love of art and nature. i guess that’s what we had in common. the only thing that he was ever proud of me though would be the fact that i’m good in school. . . but somehow even then, even tho he was proud of me getting good grades, he was jealous. Jealous that i knew more than him in that sense, jealous that i’m gonna finish school and he couldn’t. . .
He use to always scold me, yell at me, and abuse me. His favorite saying would be "you don’t know what it’s like to be mature! you’re so irresponsible and you’re just a kid! you should be thankful for the roof and food you get." and i was. the only problem was that he didn’t understand me! i knew so much and i just wanted to please him, to have him be proud of me. .  but i guess i couldn’t or if i did then he never showed it. . . it hurts so much think that he never loved me or appreciate me. why was i a mother to him and my sisters at the age of 10??
i remember he tried to teach me how to play Final Fantasy 12 one time. . . i totally suck lol. i suck at RPG, but i wanted to learn, to know so i could do something for him–something that he loved because soccer didn’t work out. i mean, i only played soccer because he did and he wanted me to . .  but ashlyn took soccer over and i wasn’t even noticed anymore so i quit. eventually i learned to do things for myself but i couldn’t help to try and get approval from my father. he took us out hunting once. i mean, i wasn’t hunting, i was too young. we were in oregon and he went hunting. ashlyn, my mom, and i stayed in the truck/around the truck and we were there for hours! i remember complaining at the end of the day lol but it was mostly becuz i got cranky. i was around 5/6 years old. one of my fave memories would be that he use to video tape me and ashlyn and our neighboors dancing lol. he would put on hmong songs and we’d dance to it. i wanted to be a ballerina at the time so i did tons of spins. . . but again it was just like "why can’t you dance like Destiny? (neighboor) She’s better than you" hahaha. . . so even when i was 5/6/7 years old. . . ugh. ..
he brought me a cd once. .  a hmong cd. "Young Inc" lol. i still have it. it’s really good and i still listen to it. i mean. . . again. . . he wasn’t the greatest father, but at least he was there. .  sometimes. and that’s better than never. . and even though with all this complications and so much heartache, he still tries to see us sometimes. . it hurts to see him and it hurts to try to act like nothing’s wrong. it’s horrible. . i miss seeing him but when i do see him, i just want to get it over with. mostly cuz it’s awkward and we never really hang out anyways so it’s kinda like "Oh, now u want to be a part of my life after you’re divorced?" it’s like "now you realize your mistakes?" but he hasn’t really. hasn’t really learned from his mistakes, hasn’t realized the pain he caused me. .
tabsi  kuv hlub kuv txiv heev.
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