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Monthly Archives: January 2011

I’m So Sorry

28 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Depression, Family, Friends, Love, Sakura

≈ 1 Comment

don’t take it the wrong way… I know that whoever’s reading this–will most likely be upset… i just don’t know what to do anymore. i tried talking to people.. but it only seem to make it worse. everytime they try to reassure me that everything will be fine, i keep thinking “but what if it’s not?” i can’t control how i feel anymore.. sometimes i would just burst out crying, burst out laughing outta stress or confusion or anger.. most times it would be the pain inside that hurts me most.
dont get me wrong… i had a decent life.. i had a family, a roof, food–hell i even had friends and a good education.. so why would someone with good fortune.. want to throw their life away?
i can’t seem to answer that but i do know.. i feel this way. what do i have to live for anymore? especially when i dont want to live for them? i have friends, i have family, i have a future.. friends leave, family sucks and i dont want a future. i just want my present and the memories of my past to stay like this forever. i dont want to grow up, but i dont want to stay like this. i want to leave and let go and maybe just maybe.. things will be better.
haven’t you even thought of that? even once? that with you gone, someone else will have a better life? I know Murphy–he left me hundreds of times, thinking that he didnt deserve me when in the end, it was I who did not deserve him. and his life’s much easier… Neko–his life became better after he and i stopped talking, he even told me so and because of that, i left again.
Connor–he thought that leaving me would make it easier on us…but it really didnt. we always found each other again and each time it hurts like hell still. but really, if i leave for good this time–would he be happier? he even thought so for the 3 months we didnt talk… he had it good with fiona and his family.. still have it good–only i’m in the picture, conflicting everything again.
Kels–OMG kels.. yeah sure she talks more, expresses her feelings more, etc etc… but i dind’t do those things to her–she did. she decided to finally step outta her shell. i dind’t make the decision for her..*sigh*… if it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have had to experience her first heartbreak at such a young age.. yes, even 15 is young. if it wasn’t for me, she’d still be talking to these people and they wouldn’t have left her for me… sometimes i think she’s angry at me but never tells me so. she says she’s jealous… but i think it’s really she’s angry. and even though she says i’m her best friend, she’d died for me, without me–i know she’d survived better.
but idk… dying so others can have a better life is part of it… but i think i want to do for selfish reasons; i dont want to grow up, i dont want a family, i dont want a home, a job, a mystery. i dont want to lean towards something then have it messed up right in the middle cuz of a mistake. i’m sick of mistakes and guess what? i’m the mistake.
i ruined my mom’s life. my dad’s life. my sisters hate me inside… i lost so many friends that i lost count, im a fake oh DEAR LORD… i am such a fake. i’m a whore, a ho, a slut, a skank, a liar, a hypocrite, a player, a cheater, a fucker, a bitch, a theif.. i can go on FOREVER… haha.. forever.
Avery use to say “Forever” to me. he still says it but i don’t believe him anymore. same with Connor.. he use to say/still say “Always…” but i don’t know if i believe him anymore either. is it him i dont believe in? or me?
If people could see who i really am inside, if people could see what i do, how i think–they’d see a scheming, overdramatic, lying, fake skank. and i’m serious… oh, and a coward.. i’m such a coward, i can’t even admit what i’ve done still. and i wont ever let the truth out….
if there’s a place called Hell, that’s where i’m heading… heh…
So do you get what i’m saying? i dont WANT to live.. cuz i dont DESERVE to live. “There is a way to be good again” says Rahim Khan in The Kite Runner but idk if i believe that. No matter how many good deeds you do to right your wrong–it was still wrong and deep down inside you know it. you feel it. no matter how hard you try to hide it… the guilt is still there.
i’ve blamed my pain on so many people when really, the blame was on me. I blamed Connor for leaving me to go out with my friends, i blamed Jonathan for being a sensitive jerk, i blamed Christopher for being a horrible friend, i blamed Avery for being a cheater, I blamed Rahshan for being a liar, I blamed Jedidiah for being a pathetic fool, I blamed Murphy for being bipolar, I blamed James for being a player…. but it was me.
you know i’ve mentioned before.. that i’ve always thought in relationships, when it didn’t work out–i thought it was me? that’s just it’s true. it was me. I got grounded with Connor, I waited too long with Jonathan, I was insensitive with Murphy, I was too nice with James, I was a pushover with Avery, I was a bitch with Rahshan, I was, I was, I was!! I am.

This blog… It started out with me just wanting to let it out–me wanting to die. but now.. i guess it’s with me wanting to let everything out. I’m not gonna get into any more details cuz i know.. if you’re still reading this far–you’re feeling hurt right now. and i didn’t intend you to, but i knew that if you kept reading that you would. idk what i’m going to do with my life as of yet.. maybe i’ll actually reach for my dreams. maybe i’ll just reach to survive… i dont really wanna love.. i dont really wanna live.. i dont really want to do anything but… be free. by dying.. i’ll be free. i wont feel, i wont speak, i wont BE.
For those reading this–hurting, angry, exhausted.. if you got this far.. for all i’ve hurt and for all whose lives i’ve ruined.

I am so sorry.

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Show me the Way

18 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

I can feel you slipping away
Slowly away from me
I’m losing you to someone else
And it’s probably better that way

I don’t know what to do anymore
I’m starting to lose my faith
How can I compete, compare?
To someone you find so great?

I can feel you fading away
Like a fallen star
And leaving me behind in the dark
Tell me, why are you so far?

Show me the way back into your heart
Before I fall apart
And lose you forever
In this world so lonely and dark

For You I Will

04 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Fairy Tale, Love, Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

For you I will…

Write a poem
Sing a song
Make up words
Always stay strong

For I will…

Fly to the moon
Get a star
Capture the rainbow
Give you mars

For you I will…

Love you Always

For you I will…

If…

04 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Love, Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

If there was a way to show my love
I’d show it to you everyday
If there was a way to hide my pain
I’d hide it so no one will know

I do love you, I really do
and I know you know that too
It’s my love that’s actually pushing you away
Making you scared to love me too

If I could, I’d be there for you
If I could, I’d do so much more
If love was magical, I’d be the greatest magician
For my love for you is so more than true

If there was a way to be where you are now
I would’ve been there the day I was born
If there was a way to be where you are now
I’d be by your side forevermore.

Eternal Love (Short Story)

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Fairy Tale, Love, Sakura, Story

≈ Leave a comment

“Marry me,” he asked her.

“I…” She stared at the ring he held out at her.

“I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re my everything; my breath, my heart, my soul. I know it all sounds so cheesy, but I don’t care as long as I have you in my life.”

Tears… guilt… She threw the ring into the ocean and ran away.

“Hana!” He called after her as he ran for her, “Hana, wait!” He caught up and grabbed her arms. “Hana, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t love you!” She cried out. “I love someone else… I only stayed with you because..” She looked away.

Tobikuma took her face between his hands and looked into her water eyes. “Because why?” He asked.

“Because he didn’t love me…” She broke away and turned, ashamed of herself…

Tobikuma wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “He is a fool for not loving you.”

Shocked, Hana stared up at him.

“I will always love you, Hana,” he said, “but if you don’t love me, I won’t force you. I will be here for you no matter what.”

Her tears streamed down faster. “I don’t deserve you,” she sobbed. “I never did, never will and no matter how much I want to love you, I just can’t… I can’t let him go.”

“Saying you don’t deserve me is saying you don’t deserve air. Air will be there for you always no matter what, as will I. I will be your air, your water. I will wait until you love me, even if it takes forever. And if forever turns into never, I will still linger for you.” Tobikuma kissed her, drugging her slowly with his sweet, passionate kiss. “I love you, Hana. I will still be here.”

And with those words lingering, he walked away.

You Left Me

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Depression, Love, Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

We’re suppose to be together forever

So why’d you have to go?

You keep leaving and coming back

What am I suppose to know?

How can I be sure you truly love me still?

When you’re always off and gone

Until the midnight’s spill

Our fairie tale’s suppose to have a happy ending

But I guess that’s why I’m still a kid

For having such unrealistic feelings

We were suppose to

live together

die together

Love each other forever

But you went and changed all that

When you left me to die alone

Yet here I sit and wait,

Crying by the telephone

Happily Ever After

That’s what I was looking for

But it’s never gonna happen

Not in this realistic world.

Love, Leave ME

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Depression, Love, Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

We were never meant to be

So stop holding on

The past was long ago

So please get gone

You’re hurting my heart

Right down to the very soul

Because you know I’m broken

From every stab and toll

Stop coming back

And telling me about your new girl

Stop coming back

And telling me you love me still

I’m trying to move

So many years gone by

But I can’t seem to lose myself

No matter how hard I try

I’ve thought about it:

To change my name and move on

But then you come to mind

And that thought is suddenly gone

Let me live my life peacefully

Stop haunting my dreams

Stop torturing my soul

By telling me you love me

You have my heart

You always will

What more do you want

From this woman so ill?

I’m begging, Leave me

Before it all goes wrong

Leave me

While I’m still this strong

A Lover’s Tale

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Fairy Tale, Love, Story

≈ Leave a comment

She coulda walked away, coulda left it behind and God knows she tried, but something kept pulling her back. Every morning she would walk back to that yellow sakura tree, stare at it, and wonder why she felt such a strong pull, As if she was there to wait for something or someone.

A thousand years ago, as rumors go, there was a lady. 5 Feet tall, long brown hair, and eyes that were always filled with longing tears. She too felt a pull to this yellow sakura tree, a pull that connected her to the one she love. Everyday she waited, hoping he would come back. They say if u love something, let it go-and if it came back, hold on tight… he left and came back, but she lost him once again And so she wait at the place they made their vows.

A thousand years later, every morning she still stand there, still loving the one she waits for.

Ayumi

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by SakuraLor in Fairy Tale, Friends, Sakura

≈ Leave a comment

While writing about all his cherished friends, he included me in the top ten:

“You’re still here. In my life. Despite pain, separation, and near abandonment…I am sorry for the things I haven’t been able to help with, and I know that you would love to hear from me more, so please, call me, text me, blow up my wall, do something so that I know you still exist…I don’t forget the past memories, the Sakura tree, it’s what I nicknamed the one out your window…the ring…the string still firmly attached, and your sweet words that always get to me….I don’t want to stop being the one who guards the forest of Nis, and I don’t want to be gone from you at all. Remember me, and I will remember you and help you as much as I can. There’s only one person on this world who I would call mish ayumi. And that is you, Tiaizente.”

He’s right, despite bear abandonment and lack of communication, he too wil always be mish Ayumi. Thank you for cherishing and loving me, I will always love u too.

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