don’t take it the wrong way… I know that whoever’s reading this–will most likely be upset… i just don’t know what to do anymore. i tried talking to people.. but it only seem to make it worse. everytime they try to reassure me that everything will be fine, i keep thinking “but what if it’s not?” i can’t control how i feel anymore.. sometimes i would just burst out crying, burst out laughing outta stress or confusion or anger.. most times it would be the pain inside that hurts me most.
dont get me wrong… i had a decent life.. i had a family, a roof, food–hell i even had friends and a good education.. so why would someone with good fortune.. want to throw their life away?
i can’t seem to answer that but i do know.. i feel this way. what do i have to live for anymore? especially when i dont want to live for them? i have friends, i have family, i have a future.. friends leave, family sucks and i dont want a future. i just want my present and the memories of my past to stay like this forever. i dont want to grow up, but i dont want to stay like this. i want to leave and let go and maybe just maybe.. things will be better.
haven’t you even thought of that? even once? that with you gone, someone else will have a better life? I know Murphy–he left me hundreds of times, thinking that he didnt deserve me when in the end, it was I who did not deserve him. and his life’s much easier… Neko–his life became better after he and i stopped talking, he even told me so and because of that, i left again.
Connor–he thought that leaving me would make it easier on us…but it really didnt. we always found each other again and each time it hurts like hell still. but really, if i leave for good this time–would he be happier? he even thought so for the 3 months we didnt talk… he had it good with fiona and his family.. still have it good–only i’m in the picture, conflicting everything again.
Kels–OMG kels.. yeah sure she talks more, expresses her feelings more, etc etc… but i dind’t do those things to her–she did. she decided to finally step outta her shell. i dind’t make the decision for her..*sigh*… if it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have had to experience her first heartbreak at such a young age.. yes, even 15 is young. if it wasn’t for me, she’d still be talking to these people and they wouldn’t have left her for me… sometimes i think she’s angry at me but never tells me so. she says she’s jealous… but i think it’s really she’s angry. and even though she says i’m her best friend, she’d died for me, without me–i know she’d survived better.
but idk… dying so others can have a better life is part of it… but i think i want to do for selfish reasons; i dont want to grow up, i dont want a family, i dont want a home, a job, a mystery. i dont want to lean towards something then have it messed up right in the middle cuz of a mistake. i’m sick of mistakes and guess what? i’m the mistake.
i ruined my mom’s life. my dad’s life. my sisters hate me inside… i lost so many friends that i lost count, im a fake oh DEAR LORD… i am such a fake. i’m a whore, a ho, a slut, a skank, a liar, a hypocrite, a player, a cheater, a fucker, a bitch, a theif.. i can go on FOREVER… haha.. forever.
Avery use to say “Forever” to me. he still says it but i don’t believe him anymore. same with Connor.. he use to say/still say “Always…” but i don’t know if i believe him anymore either. is it him i dont believe in? or me?
If people could see who i really am inside, if people could see what i do, how i think–they’d see a scheming, overdramatic, lying, fake skank. and i’m serious… oh, and a coward.. i’m such a coward, i can’t even admit what i’ve done still. and i wont ever let the truth out….
if there’s a place called Hell, that’s where i’m heading… heh…
So do you get what i’m saying? i dont WANT to live.. cuz i dont DESERVE to live. “There is a way to be good again” says Rahim Khan in The Kite Runner but idk if i believe that. No matter how many good deeds you do to right your wrong–it was still wrong and deep down inside you know it. you feel it. no matter how hard you try to hide it… the guilt is still there.
i’ve blamed my pain on so many people when really, the blame was on me. I blamed Connor for leaving me to go out with my friends, i blamed Jonathan for being a sensitive jerk, i blamed Christopher for being a horrible friend, i blamed Avery for being a cheater, I blamed Rahshan for being a liar, I blamed Jedidiah for being a pathetic fool, I blamed Murphy for being bipolar, I blamed James for being a player…. but it was me.
you know i’ve mentioned before.. that i’ve always thought in relationships, when it didn’t work out–i thought it was me? that’s just it’s true. it was me. I got grounded with Connor, I waited too long with Jonathan, I was insensitive with Murphy, I was too nice with James, I was a pushover with Avery, I was a bitch with Rahshan, I was, I was, I was!! I am.
This blog… It started out with me just wanting to let it out–me wanting to die. but now.. i guess it’s with me wanting to let everything out. I’m not gonna get into any more details cuz i know.. if you’re still reading this far–you’re feeling hurt right now. and i didn’t intend you to, but i knew that if you kept reading that you would. idk what i’m going to do with my life as of yet.. maybe i’ll actually reach for my dreams. maybe i’ll just reach to survive… i dont really wanna love.. i dont really wanna live.. i dont really want to do anything but… be free. by dying.. i’ll be free. i wont feel, i wont speak, i wont BE.
For those reading this–hurting, angry, exhausted.. if you got this far.. for all i’ve hurt and for all whose lives i’ve ruined.
I am so sorry.