When all you’ve had is lost
What do you do to get it back?
When the stress is getting too strong
Is it even worth the fight?
The love you’ve once had
Isn’t the same anymore
Yet you stay because you think
You’re not good anymore
What happened to the dreams you once had?
What happened to the passion inside your heart?
And now that everything’s gone bad
You give up because everything’s falling apart
How do you get back on your feet
After the disappointment and shame?
How do you carry on
When everything’s too far to gain?
I lost myself somewhere along the way
Forgot what was right and wrong everyday
I had no friends b/c i blocked them off
Didnt want no one close cuz it just leads to loss
I became obsessed with wanting to be bad
Had all the guys chase me to get them in bed
I played them all like they played me
An eye for an eye…
Yeah that was my greed
I wanted fun, wanted to forget it all
The pain and heartaches; they werent worth my fall… But
they became my enemy, Turned me against myself
I didnt realize how low i fell
Til one day i found myself in Hell
For what i thought woulda been a one night stand
He wanted more, wanted more than friends
I couldnt take the risk, couldnt take a chance
So i left him standing with his heart in my hands
I got so lost in my own little world
I forgot what it was to be loved like a girl
I played the players’ game and lost the deal
Now im trying to get my life back
Looking to God again to put me on the right track
Now im trying to regain friends again
Asking for forgiveness of my stupid trends
Now im trying to find myself again
And with friends and God, i know i can…
My grandparents on my mother’s side were from Laos. They lived there until 1980 where they came to America. Back in Laos, my grandmother always mentioned the hard work they had to do. There was a lot of farming involved because that was how they survived. When they came to America, my mother, Maizoua, was still very young so she became accustomed to the American culture very quickly whereas my father, Yee, had a bit of a more difficult time. My father’s parents also came to America from Laos around the time my mother’s family did. He was almost ten years old when he came to America so he had to work harder to familiarize himself with America. After I was born, my father had a hard time helping me with schoolwork and such because he was still not use to America, but my mother was able to help me because she understood better than my father did.
I was born in Porterville, California on March 4th, 1994. I was only one year old when we moved to Oregon. My parents were still very young when we moved. My mother had just turned sixteen and my father was twenty-one years old. My mother went to high school in Oregon, but my father had to work instead of going to college. He had wanted to open up his own art studio because he’s a really good artist, but because of me, my father wasn’t able to do so. My sister Ashlyn was born in Portland, Oregon on August 30th, 1996. For a while, my sister and I had to be babysat by my parents’ friends because my mother was always at school and my father was always working.
After my mother graduated high school, my family and I moved to Pennsylvania in 1998. I had attended Kindergarten in Oregon and then first grade in Philadelphia. We lived with my father’s parents for a while because we couldn’t have afforded anything financially. Two years later, my sister Leah was born on October 11th, 2000 and just a year after, we moved to North Carolina. My family had hit a rough spot. We had financial problems, my parents were having difficulties because of my father’s infidelity, and my mother was yet again pregnant with my third sister, Kayla, who was born on April 9th, 2002. I was able to attend second grade in Pennsylvania but then I had to attend third grade in North Carolina. Eventually my father had to fulfill his punishment due to the infidelity dilemma. My mother took my sisters and me to Minnesota where her family had moved to.
My grandmother had to quit her job so she could watch over my sisters and me. For the first few years, we had to live with my grandmother and her family which included my three uncles and my grandfather. My grandmother had to quit her job to look after my sisters and I and my mother had to take a full time job to support all of us. I started fourth grade in Minnesota but then my family and I had to move back to North Carolina. My father was on probation and my mother had wanted us to live with him because she didn’t want my two younger sisters to live without him. I finished fourth grade in Minnesota and started fifth grade there. My father’s probation ended a year later and my mother took my sisters and me back to Minnesota where I have been living for the past six years. Even though I have lived in Minnesota for the past six years, I still have had to move and change schools. I had never been at a school for more than two years and even after high school, I will be attending a junior college and then transferring to a university. Hopefully, my two younger sisters will not have to move as much as I did.
My relationship with my sisters could be known as mother-like. My mother was rarely home due to work and then she started college in 2004. I had to be there for my sisters all the time. I cooked, I cleaned, and I helped them with their homework and so much more. Sometimes when I’m able to just be a sister, I take them out to the park or to the store and we would just do what sisters do. My sisters had learned to respect me and eventually it came to a point where they turned to me instead of my mother. My relationship with my mother and father is not as strong as my relationship with my sisters. They have not been involved much in my life and were barely there for any of my sport and school events.
My home became the schools I went to instead of the houses I moved into. At school I was more comfortable with the adults than with my parents and I was able to interact with the students and staff more. My favorite class when I was younger was math, but as I grew older I became more interested in writing. Creative Writing is a subject I enjoy very much and since I was twelve years old, any English literature class became my favorite class. Because of the lack of relationship with my parents, I turned to writing as my escape. At first I held a journal which became my diary. I vented everything I could into that first journal and eventually began writing poetry.
Ever since my discovery of writing, I haven’t been able to stop. Writing became a hobby of mine and eventually a goal. I wrote poetry, stories, and blogs and I hope to become a writer one day. I try to write at least once every day; whether it is a poem, the next part of my story, or a blog online. My love for writing eventually led me to meet my best friend, Christopher Jones. We were both in a writing club together and ever since then I would like to hang out with him after school, on the weekends, or whenever we can.
My goal after high school and after college is to become a middle school English teacher. I want to be able to help students get ready for not just high school but also for life. I want to be able to expand students’ minds and to let their imagination set them free. I want to become a teacher, because I want these children to be able to turn to someone they trust in their time of need and to teach them to turn to their writing. However, for as long as I can remember, my one main goal—the heart of my dreams—is to become a mother. As a mother I want to be able to give my children the comfort and love they need, I want them to have everything I couldn’t have and I want them to grow up happily. My goal as a mother is to be able to keep my family happy and I will only accomplish that when my children could look back and remember me and the good times they had growing up.
What we had was great
All the memories and fun times
But now time has caught up
And pulled us apart
We grew to be different people
Different wants, different needs
We grew to be someone else
A stranger, a dream
Four years went by too fast
Half the time we barely talked
The half where we barely held on
And lived only in the past
Now it’s time to let go
Say our goodbyes and continue on
Be who we are and not who we use to be
Keeping the memories and continuing strong
“What Was, What Is”
My heart aches for what was
And what use to be
For when we wrote letters to each other
And loved each other
You use to sneak online to talk to me
I use to wake up early to talk to you
But now we’re always online
We don’t talk to each other anymore
I want the past back
Of you and me
But you want to move on and forget
I remind you of how you use to be
And you hate that
Whereas I loved you for who you were
And I hate who you are now
We’ve changed so much
It’s almost impossible to recognize each other anymore
And what was is in the past
And what is now is now lived without you
“Don’t Know Anymore”
You don’t know my anymore, nor do I you
So why do you assume on what I’m about to do?
You can’t tell me how I feel anymore
Or why I feel such ways
So stop saying you do and stop trying to prove me wrong
When I was hurt, you held me close
When I was trying, you boosted me up
But now you’re barely who I think you are anymore
You look at me as if I were a stranger
And everything I do now disgusts you
You still have an impact on me, I regret to say
But do I still impact you?
I don’t know anymore…
I remember when you use to love me
I thought you were truly the one
Sometimes I look back and remember
All the things we’ve done
I really can’t believe at how a fool I was
So young and naive
And so in love
I thought you were all that I need
I’m glad I met you though
For you changed my world
Even if things didn’t end up the way I thought
It still had a happily ever after
don’t take it the wrong way… I know that whoever’s reading this–will most likely be upset… i just don’t know what to do anymore. i tried talking to people.. but it only seem to make it worse. everytime they try to reassure me that everything will be fine, i keep thinking “but what if it’s not?” i can’t control how i feel anymore.. sometimes i would just burst out crying, burst out laughing outta stress or confusion or anger.. most times it would be the pain inside that hurts me most.
dont get me wrong… i had a decent life.. i had a family, a roof, food–hell i even had friends and a good education.. so why would someone with good fortune.. want to throw their life away?
i can’t seem to answer that but i do know.. i feel this way. what do i have to live for anymore? especially when i dont want to live for them? i have friends, i have family, i have a future.. friends leave, family sucks and i dont want a future. i just want my present and the memories of my past to stay like this forever. i dont want to grow up, but i dont want to stay like this. i want to leave and let go and maybe just maybe.. things will be better.
haven’t you even thought of that? even once? that with you gone, someone else will have a better life? I know Murphy–he left me hundreds of times, thinking that he didnt deserve me when in the end, it was I who did not deserve him. and his life’s much easier… Neko–his life became better after he and i stopped talking, he even told me so and because of that, i left again.
Connor–he thought that leaving me would make it easier on us…but it really didnt. we always found each other again and each time it hurts like hell still. but really, if i leave for good this time–would he be happier? he even thought so for the 3 months we didnt talk… he had it good with fiona and his family.. still have it good–only i’m in the picture, conflicting everything again.
Kels–OMG kels.. yeah sure she talks more, expresses her feelings more, etc etc… but i dind’t do those things to her–she did. she decided to finally step outta her shell. i dind’t make the decision for her..*sigh*… if it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have had to experience her first heartbreak at such a young age.. yes, even 15 is young. if it wasn’t for me, she’d still be talking to these people and they wouldn’t have left her for me… sometimes i think she’s angry at me but never tells me so. she says she’s jealous… but i think it’s really she’s angry. and even though she says i’m her best friend, she’d died for me, without me–i know she’d survived better.
but idk… dying so others can have a better life is part of it… but i think i want to do for selfish reasons; i dont want to grow up, i dont want a family, i dont want a home, a job, a mystery. i dont want to lean towards something then have it messed up right in the middle cuz of a mistake. i’m sick of mistakes and guess what? i’m the mistake.
i ruined my mom’s life. my dad’s life. my sisters hate me inside… i lost so many friends that i lost count, im a fake oh DEAR LORD… i am such a fake. i’m a whore, a ho, a slut, a skank, a liar, a hypocrite, a player, a cheater, a fucker, a bitch, a theif.. i can go on FOREVER… haha.. forever.
Avery use to say “Forever” to me. he still says it but i don’t believe him anymore. same with Connor.. he use to say/still say “Always…” but i don’t know if i believe him anymore either. is it him i dont believe in? or me?
If people could see who i really am inside, if people could see what i do, how i think–they’d see a scheming, overdramatic, lying, fake skank. and i’m serious… oh, and a coward.. i’m such a coward, i can’t even admit what i’ve done still. and i wont ever let the truth out….
if there’s a place called Hell, that’s where i’m heading… heh…
So do you get what i’m saying? i dont WANT to live.. cuz i dont DESERVE to live. “There is a way to be good again” says Rahim Khan in The Kite Runner but idk if i believe that. No matter how many good deeds you do to right your wrong–it was still wrong and deep down inside you know it. you feel it. no matter how hard you try to hide it… the guilt is still there.
i’ve blamed my pain on so many people when really, the blame was on me. I blamed Connor for leaving me to go out with my friends, i blamed Jonathan for being a sensitive jerk, i blamed Christopher for being a horrible friend, i blamed Avery for being a cheater, I blamed Rahshan for being a liar, I blamed Jedidiah for being a pathetic fool, I blamed Murphy for being bipolar, I blamed James for being a player…. but it was me.
you know i’ve mentioned before.. that i’ve always thought in relationships, when it didn’t work out–i thought it was me? that’s just it’s true. it was me. I got grounded with Connor, I waited too long with Jonathan, I was insensitive with Murphy, I was too nice with James, I was a pushover with Avery, I was a bitch with Rahshan, I was, I was, I was!! I am.
This blog… It started out with me just wanting to let it out–me wanting to die. but now.. i guess it’s with me wanting to let everything out. I’m not gonna get into any more details cuz i know.. if you’re still reading this far–you’re feeling hurt right now. and i didn’t intend you to, but i knew that if you kept reading that you would. idk what i’m going to do with my life as of yet.. maybe i’ll actually reach for my dreams. maybe i’ll just reach to survive… i dont really wanna love.. i dont really wanna live.. i dont really want to do anything but… be free. by dying.. i’ll be free. i wont feel, i wont speak, i wont BE.
For those reading this–hurting, angry, exhausted.. if you got this far.. for all i’ve hurt and for all whose lives i’ve ruined.
I am so sorry.
While writing about all his cherished friends, he included me in the top ten:
“You’re still here. In my life. Despite pain, separation, and near abandonment…I am sorry for the things I haven’t been able to help with, and I know that you would love to hear from me more, so please, call me, text me, blow up my wall, do something so that I know you still exist…I don’t forget the past memories, the Sakura tree, it’s what I nicknamed the one out your window…the ring…the string still firmly attached, and your sweet words that always get to me….I don’t want to stop being the one who guards the forest of Nis, and I don’t want to be gone from you at all. Remember me, and I will remember you and help you as much as I can. There’s only one person on this world who I would call mish ayumi. And that is you, Tiaizente.”
He’s right, despite bear abandonment and lack of communication, he too wil always be mish Ayumi. Thank you for cherishing and loving me, I will always love u too.
“Angel, why didn’t you save me?”